Here I Stand
by Coneflower Adams
Summary: When Claire discovers what’s hidden in the statue, Charlie is faced with the decision between his new life or his addiction. Hopeful spoilers for next season.
1. I don't know, what can I do?

**Here I Stand **

"I don't know if I can do this."

Claire peered over at Charlie standing in front of Aaron looking quite lost at what he was suppose to do. Claire sighed. "You unpin the clothe, take if off his, and hand it to me. Think you can do that?"

Charlie blew out some air. Rubbing his hands together, he replied, "If I can't then I'll die trying."

Aaron was two weeks old, and Charlie had wanted to do more than just walk him while Claire rested. He was determined to throw himself full into the unspoken role of father for the little guy. Claire had cocked a suspicious eyebrow when he announced he wanted to do more for her and the baby, but accepted the offer.

"I don't think I've heard of anyone dying from changing a baby's diaper," Claire remarked.

"You've never heard about it, because no one likes to let out that information. Very deadly stinkers these babies can give off."

Claire laughed, and continued her chore of washing clothes on the rock near the water source. She reached into the bag hitting her hand on something hard. "Ouch! What in the world is in here?" she mumbled, peeking into the bag.

"What's that?" Charlie said, not looking up from unpinning Aaron's clothe diaper.

"Charlie?" Claire's voice held an odd tone of confusion and disappointment. "Is this drugs?"

Charlie's head whipped up so fast his neck could have snapped. In Claire's hand was the broken statue of the Virgin Mary and a baggy of heroin. His heart leapt out of his throat, and Charlie felt as if he'd throw up. He had never wanted Claire to know about the drugs, especially after her memory of him accidentally informing her about his addiction had vanished.

"That's a-" he sputtered. "It's a-" He wanted to say mistake, but knew that wouldn't explain anything. He hadn't taken the drugs yet, though every night he stared at them as his hand twitched for a high.

But, one thing kept him from opening the baggy. He'd glance behind him to find Claire, murmuring incoherent words in her sleep. Aaron would be in his cradle, his face scrunched up. Every night, Charlie would put the drugs back in his bag and ride through another day.

"Where'd you get this?" Claire asked, dumbfounded.

Charlie tried to swallow the lump in his throat. "The plane Locke and Boone found had several crates of heroin stashed away in Virgin Mary statues. I took one when Sayid and I were searching for Aaron."

"But, why?"

Charlie hung his head, ashamed. "I've been addicted to drugs for four years. I gave Locke my stash the first week we were on the island then threw it in the fire when I chose to get clean."

Claire shook her head, upset. "If you chose to get clean then why did you take this?" She held up the baggy in disgust.

"I don't know. I just…wanted it. I haven't taken any yet," Charlie said, hurriedly.

Claire threw down the broken statue and baggy, and stepped over to pick up Aaron - pinning the baby's diaper back on. "I can't have you near my son."

Shock raced through Charlie's body. "But, Claire!" He grabbed her shoulder, but Claire jerked away. She fixed him with a anguished look.

"It would have been okay if you had told me you had an addiction but chose to get clean. But you deliberately brought drugs here, right here around my son. What if you decide you need a high then carry my son around and something happens to him because you were so strung out? I can't take that chance, Charlie!"

"Claire!" Charlie yelled at Claire's back as she stormed out the caves. He stood rooted to the ground, a torrent of pain shooting through his stomach. He thought Liam betraying him was horrible, but watching Claire walk away from him in anger was worse.


	2. I was told long ago to make a choice

Charlie walked in a daze through the jungle. He didn't know where he was going. All he could see was Claire's back walking away from, and all he could feel were the baggies of heroin in his pocket. If he'd just hide the statue better; if Claire hadn't found it; if he hadn't taken the statue in the first place. He knew where to find the drugs if he ever needed, so why did he take it?

A hand clamped down on his shoulder. He whirled around, eyes wide and crazy. "BLOODY HELL, Locke! Are you trying to stop my heart?"

Locke's calm face didn't waver. "Are you off to get more drugs?"

Charlie blinked, his voice strained. "How do you know about the drugs?"

"Well, it was only a matter of time," Locke replied, casually. He nodded his head absently. "Sayid said you two came across the plane with the cargo of heroin. Either you took some drugs while you were there, or you're going for some more. "

Charlie squinted his eyes in anger, and pointed an accusing finger at Locke. "You knew about the heroin! You knew and didn't warn me! You're a bloody bastard, Locke!"

"If I'm a bastard then Jack is one too. He knew what the plane held as well."

Vile shot it's way into Charlie throat, but he swallowed it before it reached his mouth. "What?" he choked out.

"Charlie, do you have the drugs on you?"

Without even realizing it, Charlie pulled the baggies from his pocket. Locke eyed them with mild interest. "Why did you take the drugs, Charlie?"

The rock star stared at him in shock. "I'm an ADICT! Why would I NOT take them?"

"Because you know better. Listen, son. Were you happy when you were using?"

"No," Charlie replied in a very small voice.

Locke nodded, satisfied with the answer. "Are you happy now that you're clean?"

"Of course, I am. I have Claire and the baby. I'm happy being with them."

"Then why did you take the drugs?"

Desperation and confusion drowned Charlie's face. He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands, wanting more than ever for a fix. "Because…I need it. I haven't taken any yet, but Locke, I need it. Claire knows, and she doesn't want me around her and Aaron anymore. I can't do this. I want a bleeding fix right now!"

"Go ahead and take some then to make you better. I'm not going to judge you."

Charlie stared wide-eyed at Locke's indifferent tone. Was this the same man that had helped him get clean? "Who are you, man? Are you insane? One day you're helping me quit then the next you're telling me to just get high."

"That is what you want, isn't it?"

"I-" Charlie felt his fingers twitching against the baggies. "I don't want it. I need it."

"What do you want?"

"I want Claire." It spilled out of him so fast, Charlie surprised his own self with what he had said. It felt different admitting it out loud. It felt REAL, and he wanted to say it again.

"Do you remember what I told you when you found your guitar?"

"You told me I had to give something to get something."

"That's right. You gave your drugs to me to get your guitar back. The thing is, now you've taken the drugs but at a much higher price."

"What if I give the drugs back? Will Claire take me back?"

"I don't know what the Island has in store, Charlie. You can keep the drugs or get rid of them. It's your choice."

Charlie held out the drugs. "Take them."

Locke shook his head. "I can't."

"What?" Charlie's shout echoed through the jungle. "You did it before, why not now?"

"Instead of giving me the drugs, why not just get rid of them yourself?"

"Because-" Charlie's mouth hung open, an answer dying at his lips.

Locke started to walk away. "It's your choice." And with that, Charlie was left alone for the second time that day. 


	3. Trying not to choose a side

Note: I wrote this several months ago, so that's why it's not going along with the series.

* * *

_"Looking back on things gone by,  
The things I face now trying not to choose a side.  
'Cause I knew I had to rise,  
Nothing is gonna take away my pride!"  
-Here I Stand" by Off Kilter_

There had to be a way. He had to make Claire understand. He knew if she'd just listen to his story then she'd take him back. He told himself that over and over as he made his way to the beach to find her.

She was at their tent. He found her bent over Aaron's cradle, checking on the sleeping babe. He walked up tentatively. "Claire?"

She twisted her head around to look at him. Smoldering eyes met Charlie's, and he averted his gaze to the sand. "Yes?"

"I need to talk to you."

Claire stood, planting her hand on her hips. "Did you get rid of it?"

Charlie fiddled with the hair laying on the nape of his neck. "Please listen to me."

"You still have it, don't you?" A mix of hurt and anger shaded Claire's face.

"If you'd just listen!" Charlie protested, but Claire was already digging into his jeans pocket. She pulled out her hand to reveal the baggies of drugs.

"Claire, please-"

"All you had to do was tell me. I would have understood, and I would have helped. But you kept this," she held up the drugs, "hidden away when you knew better" She threw the baggies at his feet, and turned away. "Please leave."

Charlie scooped up the baggies, stuffing them back in his pocket. "Claire!" He started after her. "I didn't want to tell you this, but I love you!"

It was suppose to be one of the happiest moments of his life. He'd tell her he loved her, and she'd throw her arms around his neck laughing and smiling. It wasn't that way though. Claire spun around, eyes burning holes in Charlie's forehead.

"Don't start with me, Charlie!" she yelled, smacking her palms against his chest.

"Claire, please-" He grabbed at her wrist, but she was too quick. Memories of Claire screaming in the middle of the night flashed in Charlie's mind. She was more of a spitfire than anyone would ever imagine.

"Don't tell me that!" She pushed him away, nearly knocking Charlie to the ground. Face red and wet with tears, she screamed, "Go away!"

Charlie stared at her, frightened and confused. She could be vulnerable as a glass figure, but at times, Claire was as hard as a rock to break into. Charlie didn't want to listen to Locke this time. He wanted to do it his way. It was too good to be true having such a enormous supply of drugs. You could overdose a hundred times over again, and still have enough to last for years.

It was when Claire tore her fiery gaze from his that he took off blindly into the jungle. He ran not caring where he went or what was out there. That's why when Charlie tripped and fell flat on his face, he was relieved and upset at the same time to find the plane holding his precious heroine in front of him.


End file.
